Tips for Victims of Domestic Violence
Recognizing Domestic Violence: Using Power to Control Others
Signs of a Healthy Relationship: "Equality Wheel"
Is Your Relationship Healthy and Nonabusive?
A Healthy Response to Domestic Violence
Violence Against Women and the Media - Watching the Watchers
Facts About Violence Against Women
Statistics on Sexual Violence Against Women
Myths, Facts, Stats on Domestic Violence

Prepare a Safety Plan - before the next attack

      Be aware of any weapons in the house. If an attack is eminent, move to a place away from the weapons and to a place with an exit. Avoid bathrooms, kitchens, and the garage.

      Know where you are going to go if you are in danger. If your children are old enough to understand the necessity for secrecy and to follow directions, tell your children of your plan.

      Make sure your car, truck, or other form of transportation always has enough gas for a quick get-a-way and is in proper working order.

      Establish a secret hiding place (possibly at a friend's house) which is easily accessible in an emergency for an extra set of keys, some money, a list of important phone numbers, bank books, check books, other important documents, and extra set of clothes for you and the children

      Work out a code word that can be used on the phone with someone you trust. The other party should know that if you ever use that code word, s/he should immediately call the police and implement whatever arrangements you have made for a quick get away.

      Have a signal, such as hanging a particular object in a window or setting a particular item on the porch, that lets informed passers-by know that you are in danger and that s/he should check on you.

      Have a hiding place - a friend's house, the shelter, your church, a community center, the library.

      Call people in advance to tell them that you are coming over, so they can watch for you.

      Open a savings account in your name only. Keep the bank book in a place where you can have quick access to it in an emergency but that is hidden to your abuser.

Pregnancy

      Do not get pregnant. Take responsibility for your birth control method and make sure that your birth control method works. Your partner may be even more abusive when you get pregnant or after you give birth.

Talk: Secrets are harmful.

      Find a trusted, supportive individual and talk about the abuse. Call a local shelter for information or support.

Responsibility: He is responsible for his behavior.

      He is responsible for his abuse, not you. His behavior, not yours, is wrong. Do not be ashamed to tell someone if he is abusing you. Asking for help does not mean that you are weak, sick, or stupid - it does mean that you are in a difficult position and that you need advice to find your way to a better position. It means that you are doing something positive for yourself, that you are getting ideas from someone your tormentor cannot control, that your are taking the first steps on the path to freedom, that it is the beginning of the end of your abuser's control over you. But beware, your tormentor may not take kindly to loosing control over you.

Stand up for yourself

      If the abuse is just starting, tell your partner that you will not let him abuse you. Ask his family and friends to tell him that his behavior is not ok.

. . . But Be Careful

      If he is used to getting his own way, he may be even more abusive if you stand up to him. In that case, try to enlist the help of family, friends, and counselors before you make a stand. Do not try to stand up to him when you are alone. Make sure you have a place to go if violence breaks out. Be prepared to leave your partner to be free of his abuse.

Suicide is NOT the Answer

      Killing yourself is not the answer. It is normal to feel depressed when you live in environment filled with constant put-downs or physical, sexual, or emotional violence. Do not turn your anger on yourself. If you cannot dealt with the depression, see your physician and explain your situation. There are wonderful drugs on the market to relieve depression.

      There are other options, like shelters and crisis lines. There are people who will help you if you reach out. If you do not find help at first, do not give up, keep looking. You have a right to be angry at your situation but use your anger to take care of yourself.

      Have faith and trust in your abilities and feel good about yourself. Face your feelings and fears. Praise yourself for what you do well. Know that you can take control of your life.

Relax and Play

      Do something for yourself. You have a right to be happy and to have fun.

Get Job Skills

      As long as you have no job and no job skills, you are financially dependent on others. To be independent, you must have marketable skills. Look for resources at the local library. Attend a community college. Do volunteer work - you will learn new skills and meet new people who will keep you from becoming isolated.

Eat Well and Regularly, Exercise

      Take care of your health by eating well and exercising. Avoid the use of drugs or alcohol.

AFTER YOU LEAVE HOME

Take with you

• Any legal documents, such as deed, mortgage, or lease
• Keys for the home, car, safe deposit box
• Important documents including birth certificates for you and your children, health cards, social security cards, driver's license, marriage license, immigration and citizenship papers, passports, medical records, children's school records, phone numbers and addresses of family and friends, insurance information Bank books, charge cards, check books
• Medicines
• Children's feeding bottles, clothes, shoes, coats, favorite toys and blankets

Where Can You Go?

To a friend, relative, neighbor, shelter, or transition house

YOU ARE STRONG! You wouldn't have made it this far if you were not strong! Have faith in yourself.

      You are a child of God/dess deserving of love, respect, kindness, and affection. No one has the right or the moral justification to ever treat you any other way.

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      Coercion and threats: threatening to hurt her, children, pets, or yourself, to leave her, to report her "to the authorities"; making her drop legal charges against you or making her do illegal things

      Intimidation: using looks, actions, or gestures to instill fear including throwing things, breaking things, abusing pets, displaying weapons

      Emotional abuse: putting her down, calling her names, making her doubt her abilities, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty

      Isolation: depriving her of outside contacts, controlling who she talks to, when she talks to them, what she talks about, exhibiting jealousy

      Minimizing, denying, blaming: refusing to take her concerns and complaints seriously, claiming the abuse didn't happen, shifting blame for the abuse

      Using children: making children into messengers, using visitation privileges to harass her, threatening to take the children away from her

      Using male privilege: treating her like a servant, making all decisions, acting like the "king of the castle," defining all of men's and women's roles

      Using economic power: preventing her from working, taking her money from her if she does work, making her beg for money, giving her household money grudgingly

      Verbal abuse: put-downs, name-calling, using God, tradition, or religion to justify one's abuse

      Emotional/ psychological abuse: playing mind games or word games

      Physical abuse: hitting, slapping, shoving, punching, and on and on

      Sexual abuse: forcing a woman to have sex against her will (even if she is your wife or lover)

      Economic abuse: using money to force women into a childlike role by preventing us from working, taking our money, hiding money, making her "ask for" (more often, beg for) money for household needs, spending money on toys for you while household family obligations (such as the rent, food, and the electric bill) go unpaid

      Trust your own judgment - trust yourself.

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      Nonthreatening behavior: talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things

      Respect: Listening to her non-judgmentally, being emotionally affirming and understanding, valuing opinions

      Trust and support: Supporting her goals in life, respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions

      Honesty and Accountability: Accepting responsibility for self, acknowledging past use of violence, admitting being wrong, communicating openly and truthfully

      Responsible parenting: Sharing parental responsibilities, being a positive nonviolent role model for children

      Shared responsibility: Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work, making family decisions together

      Economic partnership: Making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements

      Negotiation and fairness: Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, accepting change, being willing to compromise"

Cry of Tamar: Violence Against Women and the Church's Response by Pamela Cooper-White Augsburg-Fortress Press 1995 (page 104)

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Has your spouse, ex-spouse, lover, or date repeatedly

1.) Withheld approval, appreciation, or affection?
2.) Ignored your feelings?
3.) Ridiculed your most valued beliefs?
4.) Criticized you, called you names, shouted at you?
5.) Humiliated you in private or public?
6.) Insisted you dress the way he/she wants?
7.) Insulted you in front of your family or friends?
8.) Been jealous about imagined affairs?
9.) Controlled what you do, who you see, or where you go?
10.) Punched, shoved, slapped, bit, kicked, choked, hit you, or thrown objects at you?

      If you answered "Yes" to ANY of these questions, you many want to contact your battered women's agency."

above from Cry of Tamar by Pamela Cooper-White (page 105)

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Pastoral response: what can you do?
"First, recognize the signs. . .

      A battered woman many make oblique references to her partner's "anger" or "temper" in the fleeting hope that a sensitive helping professional will read between the lines. When with her partner in public, she may defer to him or be unusually quiet around him for fear of saying something for which she will be punished later. She is generally very protective of him with others, particularly those in authority. At the same time, the abuser may be verbally abusive in subtle or obvious ways, may make attempts to impugn her reputation or her sanity to the pastor, may show signs of unwarranted jealousy, or may engage in a custody war with the woman and even kidnap the children. . . .

      Talk about the violence straightforwardly and don't be afraid to ask. Do not refrain from asking what is really happening out of a mistaken notion of respecting her privacy or not embarrassing her. If she is being battered, she needs an opportunity to disclose in order to break the silence that perpetuates the abuse.. . .

Believe her. You may be the first person to whom she has disclosed. . . .

Remember her safety at all times. . . .

Let her know this is not her fault. . . .

Share with her the myths and stereotypes about battered women and the information you have learned. . . . suggesting readings, especially those written specifically for women currently in battering situations, is also very helpful for some women - for example, Gin NiCarthy's Getting Free, a workbook for getting out of an abusive situation and Marie Fortune's very concise and helpful Keeping the Faith, which addresses Christian battered women's theological and moral concerns. . . .

Refer her to expert, specialized help. . . .

Respect her right to self-determination.

Do not use a couple counseling format. . . .

      It is important to remember, and to share with the family and the congregation, that it was the introduction of violence into the marriage, and not the divorce per se that broke the covenant between the couple.

Regarding help for the batterer, let him know that you stand ready to support him with referrals to batterers' programs to help him stop his violence, but let him know that violence is wrong, period. . . .

Let the congregation known that it's OK to talk about abuse. . . .

Assure the battered woman of God's love, and help her build a spiritual support community."

from Cry of Tamar: Violence Against Women and the Church's Response by Pamela Cooper-White Augsburg-Fortress press 1995

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      To help us be better media-watchers, I compiled this list of language tricks that the media uses to mask the violence against women. By using language to obscure the truth as opposed to enlighten, the media reinforces family violence and violence against women. For example,

1) Using the passive tense instead of the active tense

      Example: Saying "She was abused, beaten, raped, etc. " instead of the more powerful "He abused, beat, raped her. . ." as if her abuse was caused by some unknown force or some unknown individual or by magic instead of by a flesh and blood person, a man.

2) Using euphemisms when plain English is more informative or using weak words to minimize the amount of violence present.

Example: "She was penetrated sexually" as opposed to "He raped her."


Using	When you mean
struck	beaten
assaulted	attacked, beaten
beaten	tortured
tortured	butchered
sexual assault	rape, sodomy, rape with an object
stabbed	hacked
infanticide	systematic murder of female children often by starvation
suttee	burning women to death on their husbands funeral pyre

      Regarding English language and the law, many times we have heard the expression "the masculine subsumes the feminine". Even though 95% of family violence is perpetrated by men with women and children as the victims, the gender of the perpetrator and the victims is obscured by using gender neutral terms for perpetrator and victim, such as "abuser" and "abused" instead of "wife-batterer" and "battered woman". What happened to good, old faithful "he", "his", and "men" (used generically, of course)? After all, the masculine subsumes the feminine, doesn't it?

4) Giving reasons that "justify" the violence - blaming the victim

      She began the fight by "nagging", refusing sex, adultery (more often imagined than real), "disobeying him" (as if men had the right to order women around), rejecting him (she broke off the relationship against his wishes) ... as if there is a reason to justify battering one's spouse.

5) Giving reasons that "justify" the violence - dividing women into categories

      By dividing women into the respectable/not respectable (asexual/sexual/ or virgin/whore) categories, the message comes across that it is ok to victimize some women. Remember: none of us are free until all of us are free.

      Example: She had sex out-of-wedlock, proving she has loose morals. Since she is immoral, she is "rapeable," i.e., any man can have sex with her any time with impunity. (Is it ok to rape all men who have had sex out-of-wedlock?)

6) Giving reasons that "justify" the violence - excusing the perpetrator

      Example: He had a domineering mother. (So did a lot of women but we don't beat our husbands, rape our neighbors, etc.)

      He had a bad experience with a woman. (And how many women have been rejected by men? - That's life honey.)

      He is a social deviant. (Finally an accurate statement: wife- beaters and rapists are deviants, but that doesn't justify the battering or rape.)

      He was drunk. (So is ok for drunken men to beat up or rape other men? If he can't handle liquor, he shouldn't use it.)

6) Making the perpetrator feel entitled to perform the action

      Example: "God appointed men to lead the family, to be the head of the household. Since men are responsible to God for the misdeeds of the family members, the man has the right to use any amount of physical violence necessary to save his immortal soul. Disobedience to the husband, like disobedience to God, is unacceptable and must be punished." (I actually had a "tru-Christian" (tm) tell me that with all seriousness.)

7) Using the heinous technique of using religion to "justify" abuse (If there is a just and merciful God, many men will fry in hell for using religion to oppress women.)

Women need to be controlled because:
      Eve, which when translated from the Hebrew means Life, demonstrated her susceptibility to the influence of Satan by being the first in sin. All women, like Life, are more prone to sin than men.

      Women are naturally oriented to the physical world while men are oriented to the spiritual world. Hence men know more about God than women do and should be the interpreters of God's will. God's will is that women were put on earth to serve men's physical, sexual, and psychological needs. Disobedience to man is equivalent to disobedience to God and must be punished.

      In marriage, a woman receives financial support from a man in return for her homemaking skills, her child-bearing and child-raising abilities, obedience to her husband, and sex on demand. Failure in any of the areas is grounds for "chastisement."

8) Treating women as the property of men to be disposed of according to his will

      Yes, there are still Neanderthals who believe that women are nothing more than men's property and that men can do anything they want to to their property.

      Then there are the one's who believe that a man's home is his castle and he can do anything he wants to in his own home. Does this mean that a woman's home is her dungeon? If heterosexual men can do what they want to in their own homes, why can't homosexual men do what they want to in the privacy of their homes? And why can't lesbians do what they want to in the privacy of their own homes?

9) Reporting the story with a frivolous touch

      Using "humor," sarcasm, or contempt for women to address the issue

10) Stereotyping women, often with misguided images

      Example: All women are whores, all women want to be owned, all women really want to be raped, . . .

11) Minimizing the extent of the violence

      Example: He ONLY slapped her a few times - he never punched her, left marks, broke anything, etc. so the violence wasn't really that serious.

12) Equating the violence done by the man against the women with the violence the woman uses against the man

      Example: The man slaps her around, she pushes him away in self- defense. The story gets written up as "They had a fight" or "Both partners resorted to physical means to resolve the conflict" or "The family had a history of physical violence. . ."

13) Making the violence seem to be normative or acceptable

      Implying that women need, deserve, or like to be abused or that "boys will be boys" or "every body does it" or that it is "understandable."

14) Focusing on the "pathological" aspects of the perpetrator

      If violence against women is pathological, why is it so frequent? Violence, physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional violence, against women is a wide-spread, unacceptable series of moral outrages and/or legal crimes against women in all areas of society: home, school, workplace, church.

15) Glorifying violence - aka Teddy Savalis in Kojack, John Wayne in almost anything

      Equating being a "real man" with being physically abusive
      Making violence "sexy"

16) Sensationalizing the violence

      Using lurid pictures, titillating descriptions, or soap-opera like analysis to make the story infotainment instead of news. Making violence sexy or entertaining.

17 ) Putting the victim on trial

      Here the media makes the story about the woman's sexual history not about his violence.

18) Reaching the wrong conclusion

      Concluding that if only women "more tolerant," "more understanding," "obedient," "stayed out of the wrong neighborhoods," "obeyed the rules of some social sub-group" etc, then men wouldn't be "forced" or "provoked" into using violence. In other words, men can beat their wives, assault their neighbors, rape their colleagues, etc. with impunity if only they have the "right" reason. For women the message is "Step out of line and you will be beaten, raped, or murdered" and for men the message is "You can beat, rape, or murder women with impunity if you have the "right" reason." The messages should be: "Men will be held accountable for their actions and women must not allow themselves to be abused, assaulted, raped, etc. by men."

19) Projecting the writer's preconceived notions into the story

      Here the story gets written before the writer has any facts. How many times have stories appeared that a serial killer stalks prostitutes because of some psychological sexual problem when it is probably closer to the truth to say that the killer stalks prostitutes because they are relatively easy victims for the beginning killer?

20) Making violence against women acceptable while making violence men unacceptable

      Would a mugged man be told, "Well, he had an irresistible urge to take your wallet and beat you up," when raped women are told, "Well, he had irresistible urge to have sex with you?" When you read a story about violence against women, change all female references to male references and vis-a-versa and see how the story reads. Would such a story ever be printed?

21) Minimizing the story

      Stranger violence and rape: Giving young, white, virginal female victims front page coverage while relegating stories about African-American women and other women of color, older women, married women, etc. to the back pages in a few short paragraphs. Being obsessed with the sexual purity of the victim.
      Violence by "friends": Giving front page coverage to young, rich, successful, photogenic, white women while relegating coverage to victims who are African-American or women of color, older women, poor women, or average women to small briefs on the back pages.

22) Continuum of violence

      Refusing to acknowledge that violence against women is a continuum beginning with verbal put-downs and moving on to verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, rape, sexual slavery (as in many instances of prostitution), torture, and finally to femicide, the murder of women as women.

23) All men benefit from violence against women

      Patriarchy uses the actual violence of some men against some women to instill the knowledge in all women that they can at any time become the target of violence by the men around them.

ideas from Femicide by Jill Radford and Diana E.H. Russell

• Every 18 seconds, a woman is beaten and every 6 minutes, a woman is raped every 6 minutes.
• Only 50% of rapes are ever reported; of those reported, less than 40% result in arrest.
• One third of all domestic violence cases, if reported, would be charged as felony rape or felonious assault.
• Each year, of the 3 to 4 million battered that year, more than one million will seek medical assistance for injuries caused by battering.
• The crime rate against women in the United States is significantly higher than in other countries -- the United States has a rape rate that is 13 times higher than England's, nearly 4 times higher than Germany's, and more than 20 times higher than Japan's.
• Last year, the number of women abused by their husbands was greater than the number of women who got married.
• More than half of all homeless women are on the street because they are fleeing domestic violence.
• There were more women injured by rapists last year than marines wounded by the enemy in all of World War II.
• There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the United States as there are battered women's shelters.
• 486,000 of the girls now attending high school will have been raped before they graduate.
• The average age of a rape victim is 18 1/2 years old.
• Young women 16-19 years old are the most likely to be raped.
• 57% of college rape victims are attacked by dates.
• Girls raped before age 18 are least likely to report the incident to the police.
• Girls aged 12-15 are the most likely to be raped by strangers.
• Rape victims aged 12-19 are the least likely to receive hospital care.
• Since 1974, the rate of assaults against young women (20-24) has jumped 48%. For men of the same age group, it has decreased 12%.
• 1 out of every 7 women currently attending college has been raped.
• If every woman victimized by domestic violence last year were to join hands in a line, the string of people would span from New York to Los Angeles and back again.

  Taken from the inforM website. Questions or comments should be directed to inform-editor@umail.umd.edu.

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  Statistics on Sexual Violence Against Women
  1. 1 in 5 adult women will be raped at some point in their lives.
  2. 1 in 3.5 adult women will be attacked by a rapist.
  3. 1 in 7 of the women now in college have been raped.
  4. 1 in 4 of the women now in college have been attacked by a rapist.
  5. More than half of college rape victims are attacked by dates.
  6. More than 4 out of 5 rape victims know their attackers.
  7. 1 in 15 rape victims contracts a sexually transmitted disease as a result of being raped.
  8. 1 in 15 rape victims becomes pregnant as a result of being raped.
  9. Only 7% of all rapes are reported to police. By comparison, the reporting rate for robbery is 53%; assault, 46%; and burglary, 52%.
  10. Less than 5% of college women report incidences of rape to the police.
  11. More than half of raped college women tell no one of their victimization.
  12. The number of women raped in 1986 is fifteen times higher than officially reported in the National Crime Survey.
  13. The number of college women raped in 1986 is fourteen times higher than officially reported in the National Crime Survey.

        The definition of rape employed in these statistics is the one formulated by the FBI for its Uniform Crime Report, which is the narrowest official definition.

  Source: Koss, Woodruff, & Koss -- A Criminogical Study, August 1990

  Taken from the inforM website. Questions or comments should be directed to inform-editor@umail.umd.edu.

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  Myths, Facts, Stats on Domestic Violence Myth 1: Domestic violence does not affect many people.
  Facts:
  
  • A woman is beaten every 15 seconds. (Report to the Nation on Crime and Justice. The Data, Office of Justice Program, Bureau of Justice Statistics, US Dept. of Justice, Washington DC, Oct 1983)
  • Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between ages 15 and 44 in the United States - more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1991)
  • Battered women are more likely to suffer miscarriages and to give birth to babies with low birth weights. (Surgeon General, United States, 1992)
  • Sixty-three percent of the young men between the ages of 11 and 20 who are serving time for homicide have killed their mother's abuser. (March of Dimes, 1992)

  Myth 2: Battering is only a momentary loss of temper.
  Facts:
  

  • Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing factor. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1990)
  • "One in five women victimized by their spouses or ex-spouses report they had been victimized over and over again by the same person." (The Basics of Batterer Treatment, Common Purpose, Inc., Jamaica Plain, MA)

  Myth 3: Domestic violence only occurs in poor, urban areas.
  Facts:
  

  • Women of all cultures, races, occupations, income levels, and ages are battered - by husbands, boyfriends, lovers and partners. (Surgeon General Antonia Novello, as quoted in Domestic Violence: Battered Women, publication of the Reference Department of the Cambridge Public Library, Cambridge, MA)
  • "Approximately one-third of the men counseled (for battering) at Emerge are professional men who are well respected in their jobs & their communities. these have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives. (For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA 1990)

  Myth 4: Domestic violence is just a push, slap or punch - it does not produce serious injuries.
  Facts:
  

  • Battered women are often severely injured - 22 to 35 percent of women who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing partner abuse. (David Adams, "Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You be the Judge." Boston Bar Journal, 33-4, July/August 1989)
  • One in four pregnant women have a history of partner violence. (Journal of the American Medical Association, 1992)

  Myth 5: It is easy for battered women to leave their abuser.
  Facts:
  

  • Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay. (Barbara Hart, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988)
  • Nationally, 50 percent of all homeless women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home. (Senator Joseph Biden, U.S. Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Violence Against Women: Victims of the System, 1991)
  • There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the United States as there are shelters for battered women and their children. (Senate Judiciary Hearings, Violence Against Women Act, 1990)

  from "Domestic Violence: The Facts" - A Handbook to STOP violence (courtesy of Peace At Home (formerly Battered Women Fighting Back), Boston), posted at the Cybergrrl Webstation website

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