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Gauging by the amount of feedback I receive from my readers, this book is by far the most popular books summarized here. For more information on this topic, visit Patricia Evans home page.
2) "Abusive men _stop at nothing_ to squelch, put down, correct, criticize, belittle, trivialize, snub, sneer at, and, when all else fails, put on displays of rage in order to dominate and control their mates." page 26 [my emphasis]
3) "Survivors tell us that verbal abuse always lowers self-esteem, no matter how much they may try to ignore it. _The survivors of verbal abuse consistently reported that they came to believe what they were hearing."_ page 27
4) "These women are living in Reality II (seeking mutuality), and therefore, find the abuse always shocking and incomprehensible. They, like many, tell us that this behavior drives a woman away, eventually, rather than "keeping" her in the relationship - eventually gives her the determination to leave. Abusers do not seem to be able to understand this or to change their behavior when their mates begin to protest. Generally they become more controlling and more abusive when their mates begin to protest.
By saying and doing everything possible to diminish her, the abuser seeks to feel superior to, and in control of, his mate, with the motivation that she becomes so downtrodden and powerless she would not be able to leave him - all the while remaining oblivious to the fact that his behavior may, over time, produce the opposite effect." pages 30 - 31
5) "People who now recognize their own verbally abusive behavior have said that, until the moment they learned that disparagement of another, angry outbursts, ordering, and put-downs in general were abusive, they never for a moment realized that they were being abusive. They knew what they were saying but, like the rapist or the murderer, were unconcerned with the effects of their behavior. They almost always felt better after abusing." pages 32-33
6) "We are only beginning to learn about the dynamics of verbally abusive communications. However, with regard to female/male relationships we have already learned a great deal about the issue of control.. . . Whether control is exercised verbally or physically, the dynamics are the same." page 32
7) "The purpose of controlling behavior is to destroy your partner by depriving her of commonly held resources that are essential to her well-being and sense of integrity." page 33
8) Methods of control (pages 33-38)
-"Controlling her intellectual space by using elaborate arguments to wear her down in a discussion or by interrupting her."
-"Invading her quiet tine, for example, by talking to her when she wants to be alone."
-"Invading her privacy, demanding details of her activities, or opening her mail or packages."
-"Interrupting her sleep."
-"Pressuring her to have sex."
-Refusing to talk
-Withdrawing affection
-Strutting and posturing
-Stomping out
-Walking away
-Hitting something
-Kicking something
-Driving recklessly
6. Controlling by defining her motivations
7. Controlling by assigning status
10) "Anyone who verbally abuses another does so to maintain some form of control over the other and to keep his own feelings of powerlessness under control. The abuser is often so used to relating to his mate in an abusive way that it does not even occur to him that he is being abusive. Some men who are learning how to stop verbally abusing their mates have said that it seems as though disparaging or even cruel comments have become a routine, almost automatic way of behaving." page 39
11) "The abuser is often so good at control that he can turn his intimidating displays on and off in order to continue to "look good" to the outside world." page 40
12) Techniques of the Verbal Abuser (pages 40-42)
14) "Women report a "strangeness" about the communication in their relationship best described as an unreal feeling." page 52
15) "If she "gives up" or "backs down" because she knows he would never apologize or allow her to explain, or because she thinks he's crazy, or because she feels sorry for him, or because she thinks he has fears or feelings of inferiority, or because some kind of "win" seems to be important to him - she does so because of her strength." page 53 [my emphasis]
16) "He wanted not only to control her but also to vent his feelings with impunity. All the while, she believed that he only felt a bit insecure and needed to feel more loved." page 54
17) "They reasoned that their mates would not feel the need to put them down to feel more important if they, the women, could make the mate feel important. This belief turns out to be false." page 54
18) "Women often say they see abusers as weak, while their abusers say that they believe they were doing nothing wrong and felt in fact that they were "real men." " page 60
19) "Some survivors, while feeling the constant shocks of verbal abuse, were even more shocked as they became more aware of their mate's reality." page 60
20) From a letter by T.M., Portland, Me.: "Once you've realized he has lied, you can then question the validity of everything he says and has said. And it is that realization that is the first key to gaining your freedom." page 74
21) "With awakening awareness, women say they feel a release from feelings of incompetence and confusion and guilt. Those who have been in confusing relationships, who have sought answer, who could not pinpoint what gave rise to their feeling that "something is wrong," experience both the pain and liberation that awareness brings." page 74
22) Regarding blaming the victim: "For many years women have been devalued simply for being female, and having had their work devalued as well." page 78
23) "She must come to realize that the abuse has nothing to do with her." page 78
24) Regarding the blame game:
She couldn't say "Stop it" or "That hurts!" If she did, he would either feel blamed, or enticed by her vulnerability to really go after her "like dead meat on a hook." So instead they agreed that she would say something that suggested she was "gone" to him, defended, behind a wall, like, I'm protected.
He would then apologize to win her back.
She would accept.
The cycle could begin again at any moment.
What this couple had done is take the concept of blame and make her guilty of blaming if she dared let him know he was abusing her. The one thing the abuser wants most is for his partner to take responsibility for his feelings - just as the rapist wants his victim to be blamed for his violence.
Even more astonishing is that in order to reinforce her agreement to endure her pain without flinching or revealing it (other than by saying, "I'm protected") the woman seemed to believe that is she expressed her pain by crying out, "That hurts!" she would be "being a victim." This fit nicely with her abuser's desire to inflict pain without having to hear a complaint.
Thus, the person actually being protected was the abuser." page 82-83
26) "I believe that the issue here is not so much that some counselors didn't understand the dynamics of control in a relationship; it is that the culture has sanctioned the control of women to such an extent that a therapist might unwittingly advise a human being already suffering greatly to act like a slave." pages 84-85
27) "Verbal abuse seems so inhuman, so bizarre to anyone seeking mutuality in a relationship that, no matter how deeply she understands that an abuser abuses because he abuses not because of her, the survivor will almost always find it incredible that any human being would treat another that way." page 86
28) "When a child is molested or abused, there are not two sides. Similarly, when an adult is verbally abused and threatened, there are not two sides. One person is not attacking and the other counterattacking. On the contrary, one is trying to understand and not upset the other, whose behavior is directed toward maintaining control and dominance with overt or covert attacks." page 98
29) From a letter by W.A., Fort Wayne, In: "How subtly he stole by soul."
30) "I mentioned the torment of teasing to a young woman in her early twenties. She told me how awful it seemed and how it was amazing to her that anyone would put up with that sort of thing. A Few minutes later, however, she said that on several occasions recently her boyfriend had said things that made her feel bad, things she didn't think were funny - and that when she told her mother about this, her mother explained that she was being too sensitive, and that it was just her boyfriend's sense of humor. In a way she was probably glad to hear that he really did love her after all. Her mother had probably been glad too, when she first heard that she was just "too sensitive." Hearing this, it was a little easier to squelch the initial pain and go on believing, _It's not happening."_ page 100
31) From a letter by C.M., Topeka, Ks.: "No one's dealt with this terrible diseased painful stripping of human beings. It is in effect like cancer. A major underground epidemic. A systematic disease sometimes in remission, not contagious - but predisposed. It can - often does- kill. It affects one's health. I testify to this. It robs you of energy, drive, certainty, talent, spirit, and love." page 102
32) From a letter by G.L., Moorestown, NJ.: "I cannot tell you how emotionally tired I am. I cannot listen to it any more, anywhere, without contempt." page 102
33) From a letter by M.H., Indianapolis, In: "Never a compliment, never a thank-you, never a sorry, never I was wrong, never forgive me." page 106
34) From a letter by S.L., Concord, NH: "I believe he is the cruelest man I have ever met. He is a master at verbal abuse." page 106
Editor's note: She's wrong, DEH is the cruelest man alive (or dead).
35) "Survivors often express a feeling of incredulousness about their mate's behavior because it is so foreign to them." page 109
36) "This survivor writes of two very important needs, _the need to be safe from her abuser and the need to be validated."_ page 110
37) Ten Common Traps (pages 113)
3. The "He Doesn't Really Mean It so It Shouldn't Hurt" Trap
4. The "I Should Be Able to Take It" Trap
5. The "Saying 'I'm Hurt' Is Blaming" Trap
6. The "Setting a Good Example" Trap
7. The "I Am Responsible" Trap
8. The "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" Trap
9. Emotional and Financial Traps
38) "Many women experience "being punished" when they bring up their abuse, especially after joint counseling. Usually they suffer a rage attack directed at them by the very spouse who was supposedly going to counseling to improve the relationship." Some women who were abused by physical violence have said that they feel verbal abuse was worse than physical abuse." page 122
39) From a letter by H.S., Akron, Oh: "To learn about verbal abuse and control issues, I attended a support group for abused women for over two years. Week after week, women would walk in with broken bones, bruises, cuts. They'd tell about being taken to the hospital emergency room, some more than once.
With woman after woman, I'd ask, "Which was worse in your relationship, the physical abuse of the verbal abuse?"
And without exception the answer was the verbal abuse, "Truly!" " page 122
40) From a letter by M.B., Dallas, Tx: "I don't think anyone other than another victim of verbal abuse could totally understand the tremendous damage that is done to a verbally abused person." page 124
41) From a letter by D.S., Moorestown, NJ: "He's a leader in the church. Had I known about this side of him I would never have married him. We dated for five years and I did not see the anger. It began after marriage. I was shocked at his language. For some reason, marriage has put him in the mode of controlling and managing me. I'm sick of it and want to be free." pages 130-131
42) "A man called in on a radio talk show in San Francisco and said he was having some problems with his relationship. And why, "After all," he said, "I allow her to have quite a few of her opinions ." page 183
[note: those who need a hint - what makes him think he has any right to "allow her to have her own opinion?"]
43) "When people do not see other people as separate from themselves, they are prone to be abusive." page 186
44) "All verbal abuse is invalidating of another's personhood. Validation is most easily achieved through common courtesy and respect for the other's individuality." page 193
45) "One cannot necessarily get a verbal abuser to recognize his behavior, much less realize its destructiveness." page 193
46) "If the partner of an abuser leaves the relationship and then comes back thinking he's changed, the abuser will almost always intensify the abusive behavior. Why? Because from his standpoint, if he'd really had enough control the first time, she wouldn't have gotten away." page 194
Recommended book: (page 239)
Evans, Patricia The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond, Holbrook, Ma. Bob Adams, Inc. 1992
Sunny here on August 8, 2003.
In the six years, minimum, that I have had Sunshine for Women on-line, I can say without a doubt that this web page generates more reader responses than all of the other web pages at this site combined. Evans' words resonate with so many women, and some of them write to tell me how grateful and relieved they are to come to understand that there is nothing wrong with them -- there is something wrong with their abuser. Many ask for advice. I am not a professional counselor, so I am usually at a loss for words. I have found a web site that might contain information of value to the reader:
Growing Beyond Emotional Abuse
My greatest hope is for all of you to find peace and contentment in your lives -- don't let the bastards win. I hope you continue to explore Sunshine for Women and that this page is only the first step in your journey to wholeness and freedom. This site specializes in women who fought back for themselves as women and for others as women. I found much strength in knowing that other women who came before me have fought back and won.
sunshine@pinn.net
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