2) "They [children] sense acutely that someone who continues to humiliate and torment them, despite their tears and protests, does so deliberately. In my opinion, such a person does not have to be forgiven. Someone of good faith does everything possible to compensate for the damage he or she has done. A person is then free to forgive." page xv

      3) "The impact of a religious upbringing is much broader and much more serious than I had previously presumed. Their Christian upbringing made these girls easy prey. Offenders used Bible passages or church-authorized texts in order to be able to abuse girls and to keep them quiet about it. Mothers were powerless to do anything about it. They were subservient to their husbands in everything, as was and still is requested of women marrying in Christian churches.

      The most astounding realization is that these girls in Christian families have had experiences comparable to those undergone by people in concentration camps. The offenders were descent, well-functioning adults in the community, sometimes with highly respected professions. With the exception of one, all of the women interviewed have turned their backs on the church. The majority of the offenders, however, are still involved in the church. Half of them still occupy an official church position." page xvi

      4) "When we use the word incest, we are not referring to voluntary contact between adult family members (blood relatives) or sexual relations between children in a(n) extended which occur with mutual consent. We use the word "incest" to refer to sexual abuse of children within the (extended) family. The term "sexual abuse within the (extended) family" refers to sexual contacts initiated by adults (father, stepfather, uncle, grandfather, a friend of the family, older brother, in which the wishes and feelings of the child with whom the acts are committed are not taken into account." pages 3 - 4

      5) "Children do not consider that a certain teaching might have been written in another context and was meant for use in a different situation from the one in which they find themselves." page 5

      6) "We see the sexual abuse of girls within the family as the ultimate consequences of patriarchal thinking, of patriarchal theology, and of the patriarchal experience of Christianity." pages 5 - 6

      7) Referring to an article written by Ineke Jonker and published in Woman and the Word by the Committee on women in the Church and Society of the Netherlands National Council of Churches in August 1983: "The article went on to say that in incest support groups and sessions with caring professional, survivors are continually confronted with the question: Why is it that a relatively high number of children who are sexually abused by men within the family come from very strict religious families?" page 7

      8) Regarding the demographics of the nineteen women in the study: "Eight of the women we interviewed knew that they were unwanted. Most of them were conceived before their parents were married. On of the participants told us that this caused a lot of arguments in both families at the time." page 16

      9) "More often than not, these survivors were not the only ones abused by their fathers." page 20

      10) According to Amy, one of the lessons she was taught growing up is that "Being a person isn't important as long as you're a "true Christian." " page 97

      11) "According to popular belief, and unfortunately very often in the fields of medicine, criminal justice, and social work, a distinction is drawn between two forms of sexual assault: molestation as the less serious form, and rape as the serious form. Rape cannot be constituted unless coitus has taken place. In this masculine usage, the body of the man is the key element. His penis must be shown to have penetrated the vagina. Ejaculation has generally also taken place. In this definition the woman is reduced to a uterus, because the concern is that coitus and ejaculation can lead to pregnancy. Men, of whom women are traditionally possessions, do not want a suppositious child. When sexual abuse meets this definition of rape, men consider it a serious offense, Most people are no longer aware of this line of reasoning. They have remembered that sexual contact is not labeled such unless coitus and sperm are involved. That is the proof, according to a supporting argument.

      When we approach this from the viewpoint of the woman's sexuality, however, the rape occurs the moment that her erogenous zones, in the most serious case those around her vagina, are in any way violated against her will. This definition is based on the woman's feelings, because it is she who is raped and, consequently, she who knows what rape is. It is sad to hear a girl say: "All he did was molest me," although she has been forced to undergo or perform every sexual act and verbal rape possible with the exception of coitus. Her vagina may have been penetrated by his finger or by objects. The result is that many survivors have been internally deformed for the rest of their lives. The consequences of this oppression are sinister: Women have internalized the masculine approach to sexuality and sexual abuse. Women do not take their bodies or feelings seriously and thus unwittingly contribute to the prepetuation of their own exploitation. In this study, therefore, we do not draw a distinction between molestation and rape. We speak of sexual abuse, which covers all forms of rape as women experience it." pages 117 - 118

      12) "A representative sample taken by P. Vennix in which 257 men and 272 women participated, showed that in 95.3 percent of the cases, the offender was a man and in 4.7 percent of the cases a woman. In most cases, these are normal, authoritative men who function well in the community, and who know exactly what they are doing." pages 118 -119

      13) "In all of the interviews, the Mother is psychologically or physically abused by the father." page 121

      14) About the survivors: "She is unwanted because she was conceived before the marriage, was "another girl," the youngest, or the umpteenth child in the family. The women in the interviews protect their other sisters from incest, or believe that their submission prevents it from happening to the others." page 122- 123

      15) About the offender: "Father thinks boys are more important. He says so: "Good men father sons," or he shows it in his attitude." page 123

      16) About the mother: "Mother has adapted herself to her traditionally gender roles. She, too, suffers from the accommodation syndrome. When the road to open resistance is cut-off, the only method left is that of the powerless: making compromises; being pathetic, weak, dependent or a household drudge; escaping the family through charity work or shopping. Mother shuts off her emotions, partially or completely. She joins forces with the children: "She was one of us" (Ingrid), or she and her daughters form an alliance of tolerance toward Grandpa and Father's religious and sexist indoctrination. . . " page 124

      17) "The frequency and length of time of the sexual contacts differ, varying from every night to once in a while, over a period of about two years or of ten to fifteen years. This uncertainty as to when it will resume traumatizes the child, similar to the concentration camp syndrome. " page 125

      18) "The stories are filled with threats of violence: "There was always an atmosphere of terror," Ingrid says. The girls all suffer verbal rape." page 127

      19) Referring to methods used by brothers to coerce girls into having sex with them: "The stricter the parents, the easier it is to put this kind of pressure on the child." page 127

      20) "The cases of seven women involve hardhanded rape by the father or uncle, complete with physical and mental abuse. Father actually puts a knife to her throat when she will not give him what he wants, or verbally threatens to kill her. The girls try to keep their rapists away from them in every way possible. Screaming, yelling, or crying make little impression or are labeled "rebelling against Father," for which forgiveness from God are required (Nell). " pages 127 - 128

      21) "Father shifts the responsibility from himself to Mother." page 128

      22) "Twelve women thought that this was evidently God's will , because almighty God would otherwise have intervened." page 140

      23) "There is very little discussion of sexuality in the family; the Bible is full of it, but in a masculine form in which the existence of female sexuality is denied. Still, women are responsible for the sexuality of men. Men supposedly have irresistible desires, and when they have been aroused, they can no longer control themselves. Women have to be careful not to put men in such a situation." page 140

      24) "Religion forces women to forgive their rapists, although those rapists have not asked for forgiveness. They are commanded to love their enemies. Moreover, Christian churches stress the love on one's fellow human being so heavily that the words "as thyself" following "love thy neighbor" have very little meaning for these women." page 141

      25) "God the Father wants only the best for her. He is Almighty and merciful. When something happens to her and she wants it to stop, she must pray hard." page 141

      26) "The survivor experiences this inconsistency as God's arbitrary treatment of people." page 141

      27) "The more frequently God's word is preached by the offender, the greater was the survivor's tendency to identify God with the offender." page 143

      28) "The reactions of immediate family members and friends differ very little from those of caring services professionals. These reactions, as described in our interviews, varied from a new rape to solidarity. Between these two extremes, we found disbelief and denial, minimization, blame, not recognizing the seriousness of the problem, no verbal response, and clumsy attempts to help (which were sometimes offensive)." page 143 - 144

      29) "In therapy, social work, and the criminal justice system, the girl herself refers to incest only in vague terms or keeps it a secret." page 145

      30) "As long as you hate someone, you still have expectations from him or her." page 152

      31) "In the follow-up sessions, many women say that they will be fit again only when they have managed to rid themselves of their rapists' norms. A long road of consciousness-raising lies before them: they will have to go through the pain and come out on the other side in order to free themselves." pages 158

      32) "When she does not break completely with her family, she is confronted with the person who raped her for the rest of her life." page 160

      33) "She distrusts her body because she has learned that it seduced men, or because it has let her down against her will. . . . All of these women say they felt like whores." pages 160 - 161

      34) "Approximately 65 percent to 75 percent of the female prostitutes and very young heroin prostitutes in the Netherlands are incest survivors." pages 161

      35) "The dominant group in society uses contradictory commands or messages with a double content. Thus, the oppressed person is always wrong and the powerful person is always right. The interviews and follow-up sessions show that these messages increase these women's confusion and insecurity. The following list has been compiled from the nineteen interviews.

      1. All women are bad because of Eve. But you are bad, because this doesn't happen to other women.
      2. You must obey your elders, but sexual abuse is your own fault: you should have said: "No."
      3. Women are very special, beautiful creatures; you must particularly honor your mother. Nevertheless, the woman's body is a temptation to men and it is unclean, Therefore, women are forbidden to serve at the altar.
      4. You must resist sex outside of marriage, but you may not resist incest because you must always be protected. Moreover, you are not allowed to stand up for yourself because then you are a castrating bitch.
      5. The eyes of the punishing God always sees you. He will punish you. On the other hand, you must forgive your offender seventy times seventy.
      6. Father and brother are authoritative, but they are also pathetic; they get too little love, so you have to help them.
      7. You have learned to think of others first. But with sexual advances, you have to think of your own interests first, And what's in your interests? If you refuse, you are not a good girl. A woman must be good, always radiant, the sunshine in everyone's life.
      8. Offenders have the tendency to minimize what happened: "You're making a big deal out of it; it's not that serious." But you have learned that sex outside of marriage is bad, that a woman who commits adultery should be stoned, and that she must keep her body pure, like Mary. Therefore, you have sinned.
      9. You are not allowed to lie, but you are not allowed to tell this to Mother - ever.
      10. You learn for the Bible: "Honor thy father and thy mother." and from Father: "Honor thy father and deceive thy mother."
      11. You learn to love your neighbor and be your mother's rival.
      12. You are not allowed to talk to strange men, but if you show and resistance toward family members and friends, you have no sense of humor.
      13. You learn that you are not allowed to overstep the personal boundaries of others, and you experience that men are allowed to overstep yours.
      14. You must do your best in school and learn a profession so that you can stand on your own in case you are "left over" or become a widow, but your purpose in life is running the household and motherhood. Which career are you supposed to choose?
      15. A prostitute is bad, but the offender rewards you with all sorts of extras, such as attention and gifts.
      16. A prostitute is bad, but Mother allows herself to be paid too.
      17. I must be a big girl, do not carry on. Do not cry when you are hit. But I must also be sweet, insignificant, weak, and womanly. Look up to men, let them protect you.
      18. You are not supposed to be eager with boys, but you also have to see to it that you are not "left over." pages 164 - 166

      36) "The traumatic impact of incest is related to the negative consequences of an oppressive religious ideology. We will define both traumas and indicate the correlation between the two.

      An incest trauma means that the development of will and the personality are deformed, so that all later life experiences are interpreted on the basis of the incest experience. Positive experiences cannot be freely accepted, and negative experiences are viewed as consequences of the sexual abuse. The course of every human contact is influenced by this abuse.

      A religious trauma is the interpretation of all relational experiences on the basis of fear and anger toward a God by whom one feels rejected, deceived, and punished; one also feels this anger toward a church community by which one feels cast out, threatened, and deceived. One may experience the community as an obstacle on the road to God.

      In the interviews, we found a correlation between or an intertwining, of incest traumas and religious traumas: All sexual, relational, religious, and theological texts, symbols, and actions are interpreted on the basis of both traumatic experiences." page 166

      37) "Cases show that when Mother acquires a new boyfriend or remarries, this new partner often abuses her daughter. The child is afraid to speak up because of her sense of responsibility toward her mother." page 170

      38) "From our interviews, but also from recently publicized cases, we know that incest offenders are usually repeat offenders. City and state police confirm this observation." page 171

      39) "Rape by brothers or the boy next door is not taken seriously; it is called "innocent sexual contact occurring while children are playing." " page 171

      40) Modern factors affecting the frequency of child abuse: (pages 168 - 172)

      1. Changing sexual morality: old taboos against sex outside of marriage are eroding. "Now, everyone is more or less expected to like sex, regardless of with whom, when, and how."
      2. The myth of the pedophile: Pedophiles allegedly love children. In reality they don't, they use children, often because they are easy victims.
      3. Divorce:

Complaints of child abuse of a Father during a visitation weekend are ascribed to a vengeful ex-wife trying to deprive their ex-husband of visitation rights.
Mother's new partner has to be accommodated into the blended family.

      4. Playing doctor: rape by a brother or neighbor boy is considered to be just a child's game
      5. The myth of erotic games: "Many therapist do not consider incest a serious matter unless coitus or attempted coitus has taken place and they dismiss all other humiliating sexual acts as erotic games.
      6. Escape, drugs, and prostitution: "The children who report what has happened are the strongest; they survived under relatively favorable circumstances." page 172

      42) "Together, we became aware that this laughter is a substitute for tears." page 176

      43) "[Laughing] is the only form of emotional expression that is left to the oppressed human being." page 17

      44) "In the following sessions, this woman became aware that she still gave her father power over her because she still expected something from him." page 178

      45) Confronting the offender and parents: (pages 182 - 183)

      1. "After her statement has been typed out, she has the right to read it carefully before signing it. Experience has taught us that this is necessary."
      2 "Reporting incest to the police or filing a complaint may be necessary as a preventative measure: Other girls at home are in danger."
      3. "Just because the suspect confesses does not mean that he will not repeat the offense."
      4. "Mother needs some time to let this unacceptable news sink in and overcome the initial shock."
      5. ". . . it is the incest survivor who must determine when she is really to talk."
      6. "Incest is so impermissible and so shocking that no one can work through it without help."

      47) "Men constitute the dominant group in Christian society; for centuries, they have thus appropriated the right to define how God must be viewed, how the world was created, and how that world should be ordered according to God's will. From their position of power, they have determined that only men possess this ability. In doing so, they have looked after their own interests and reduced women to silence. They have issued laws, commandments, and bans that reinforce the world order they have conceived, as well as their own position of power, while rendering women powerless." page 189

      48) "Men not only claimed the right to define how we may image God, but they also presented themselves as the ones called by God to define His will. And so they claimed the power to issue laws which safeguarded and provided for the interests of men and protected their property." page 190

      49) Notorious Bible passages are found in: Ephesians 5: 22- 23, 1 Corinthians 11: 7 - 9, 1 Corinthians 14: 34 - 35, and 1 Timothy 2: 11-15.

      50) "When her ideas about God changed, so did her attitude and behavior toward the offender, other family members, and society." page 193

      51) "These sexual abuse survivors increasingly tried to meet the [patriarchal] expectations God had of women, which they learned from various educators (school, church, and family). They hoped to come into God's favor so that God would end the sexual abuse." page 195

      52) "In trying to meet God's expectations and do penance, God was on the side of the sexual abusers." page 206

      53) "From this image of God, men derive their ability to humiliate and sexually abuse girls, and to blame their victims for it." page 206

      54) "The patriarchal experience of Christianity is destructive to women." page 207

      55) "Men's interests are protected in one of the Ten Commandments: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's" (Exodus 20:17). In this test, the wife is named and categorized with the possessions of the "neighbor"" that is, the man. In such a case, rape or sexual abuse in not seen as a crime against the woman who has undergone this violence, but as a violation of the man's possessions. In Judges, a father is free to offer his virgin daughter (for whom the father can get the full bride price when he marries her off to be raped in order to protect his houseguest against sexual violence. the fact that this daughter is a virgin makes his deed well respected in the eyes of men, He was willing to pay a high price to protect his guest. When the men refuse this offer, the guest seizes his own concubine, thrusts her outside, and allows her to be abused all night (Judges 19:24-30).

      When we read this text as "the word of God," meaning: "What is written in the Bible is good because God has willed it", we give men the right to view women as their possessions and do with them as they wish, Men who want to keep women subordinate to them can read and interpret the Bible in such a way that demonstrates their right. They abuse the Bible using God to legitimate their misconduct toward women and girls. Many of the survivors say that their incest experience, combined with their Christian upbringing, caused them to believe they had no rights. " page 222

      56) "Soelle identified three theses that recur in all sadistic theologies: First, God is the almighty ruler of the world, who controls all suffering; second, God is just and does nothing without a reason; and third, all suffering is penance for sin." page 228

      57) "Forgiveness is seen as an obligation that others unconditionally impose upon the person who has been wronged - even when the offender denies the deed, blackmails the victim, continues to abuse the victim, and shows no sorrow or regret. You must forgive, "seventy times seventy times," you must make the first move." page 236

      58) "The survivor usually asked for our viewpoint. We feel that someone who has experienced incest has a right to her anger toward the offender, toward his behavior, and his attitude. The offender has no right to ask the victim to grant him forgiveness until he has admitted his gross misconduct toward her, and has acknowledged the consequences of his actions. As long as this has not taken place, we feel that a woman who has experienced incest should not be burdened with new guilt feelings because she cannot forgive the offender. On the contrary, she has the right to accuse the offender who has done her this injustice, and to express her anger about it." page 237

      59) "Not one incest survivor had learned that it was important to love yourself as well." page 238

      60) "During our conversations on this subject, we recognized the danger of focusing attention on the strength of spirit which these women have. We know that priests, ministers, and theologians are quick to presume that their suffering has perhaps served a purpose, and that God may have meant it to be this way. We disagree because this condones suffering inflicted upon young girls on someone else's initiative. It is wrong to try to find a purpose in suffering inflicted by others' free will. This suffering is senseless and cannot be made purposeful by attributing it to God, or by presuming that a woman has been made strong by her incest experience. When we assume that this suffering has had a purpose and that God must have had a reason, then we see God as a sadist, a power-monger: more powerful and more sadistic than the rapists who violate their own family members. When we presume that women draw strength from their incest experiences, we ignore the destructive effect that incest has had on them. Only the strongest women manage with intense effort and under favorable conditions to build a humane existence. These are the survivors. They are the ones who give voice to their experiences and thus protest injustice in order to put an end to it." pages 241 - 242

      61) After summarizing the Roman Catholic marriage service, they write       "The question: Is there a connection between this Roman Catholic marriage service and the sexual abuse of girls in the family? can only be answered in the affirmative. The notion that the wife must be subordinate to the husband provides men with ample room to concern themselves solely with satisfying their own needs in the family, without paying attention to the needs of others." page 251

      62) "Father determines the laws and rules to be followed in the family. He does not need to enforce them. He sees to it that Mother executes and enforces his laws and rules. He does not permit any criticism of his laws, or of the patriarchal system, which gives him his power in the family, church, and society. Discussion is not tolerated. When his laws are questioned, his reaction is forbidding, surly, obstinate, taciturn, or uncontrollably angry. He makes sure that he is unapproachable. He considers it the mother's responsibility and task to see to it that everything is smoothly organized. She and the other family members must not bother him with details.

      The father's behavior is legitimated in the older marriage service texts." pages 256 - 257

      63) "Dominant groups have so much power that they can pressure their subordinates to implement their unpleasant policies." page 258

      64) "The values, norms, and images in our patriarchal society have influenced Christianity, and Christianity has provided the patriarchal mentality with a divine legitimacy." page 275

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